Week 3 is here already and I am very excited about discussing PEFT, the essence of true love and soul mates. Of all the letters received, I chose one from Alice, who wrote in with concerns for her future in finding a good-hearted man.
Dear Jessica,
I just recently found out my brother is getting a divorce. Not only did this shock me (because I never knew they were having problems), but it gave me a reality check. I wonder if it's even worth trying to find "the one" anymore, or if "the one" even exists. My recent relationship problems are only fueling this idea. People just aren't as committed and well-intentioned as they used to be. I see my happily married parents of almost 40 years, then I see the apathetic jerks of my generation who could care less about being compassionate. All this has actually made me want to be alone; not socially deprived, just unattached. I'm learning that my happiness is not defined by my romantic status. Do you think the essence of true love is disappearing?
Alice
Hi Alice,
Although I am sorry to hear about your brother‘s situation, I do not want you to feel discouraged by it. Let me begin by saying that I do not believe in soul mates, “the one” or any idea of there only being one person on this entire planet for you, me and the rest of society. While it is nice to dream about finding the only person who will ever understand you, the reality is that there are probably 1 million out there who will, but you will only chose one of them. Growing up, my mother always told me that I was to choose, not be chosen and although it sounds a bit selfish, it has helped me not stick with guys who are jerks because jerks are not healthy for you or your future (if you plan to have children). Finding a good person to be with -- what we might call "the one" -- is something you must choose for yourself. It is a task, a challenge, a responsibility, something you owe to yourself, and is not impossible.
Fortunately for you, I have a talent called PEFT (Process of Elimination the First Two), and what it entails is becoming a palm reader for a couple of weeks, except you will not read palms. You will read signs that men give the first two weeks of hanging out with him. I am going to share the signs with you because they will be essential in finding yourself a healthy relationship.
1. This guy must be willing to pick you up at your place every time you go somewhere together, even if you live on the opposite end of the city. No ifs, ands or buts about it (unless it’s the first time you will hang out with him and you wish to have your car just encase you want to bail early).
2. This guy cannot talk the entire time you hang out. You have to be able to easily share your own insights and stories. He has to ask you questions about you, your family and your plans in life. If he stays quiet the entire time and never even seems interested in your life, chances are, he just wants to sleep with you for these two weeks. This is not a healthy start!
3. He cannot be afraid of meeting your parents. Yes, in the first two weeks you should be able to introduce him to your parents as your friend. Even if it is to go by their house to pick up a box, he cannot be completely against saying hi to them. Guys with bad intentions usually won't show their face to the parents of a girl they know is not in their future.
4. He cannot be opposed to meeting your friends either. If this guy really likes and respects you, he will want your friends’ approvals. Your friends live outside your bubble and will tell you if he is right for you (unless your friends are spineless, then get new friends).
5. This guy must invite you out with his friends so they can give him the “nod” of approval. If he sees you in his future, he will need their approval as well.
6. This guy should never cuss at you, call you names, criticize your family, tell you that you are stupid, yell at you, or disrespect you in any way. Especially the first two weeks (I know it seems unbelievable, but there are jerks out there who will do this in the first two weeks).
7. He has to want to do things you want to do. If you like the opera, he has to be willing to go see one with you, even if it kills him to go. Simple as that.
8. What is the topic of his conversation? Sports, girls in videos, his friends, his family, his hobbies, his ex girlfriend? These are things he will continue to discuss as the relationship moves forward. I doubt you need to hear all about his ex and other girls for the next year.
9. If you happen to hang out with him and his family in these two weeks, pay close attention to the type of son, uncle, cousin he is. Does he help his mom in the kitchen, his dad with the grill, his cousin with shoelaces, buttons his nephew’s shirt, etc.? If he just sits around waiting to be served, this will be your future. If he treats his family like dirt, time to move on.
10. Does he have a job? Even if he is the manager at a fast food joint, he shows promise and ambition as the manager. If he does nothing all day and lives off his parent’s money, you need to move on immediately.
Like I always tell my friends when they realize their boyfriend is a jerk … NEXT!
Alice, when you say, “I'm learning that my happiness is not defined by my romantic status.” I say, “Happiness should never be defined by one’s romantic status!”
In order to find happiness, you must first know who you are and who you would like to become. Have you ever met a girl who was not that good-looking, but when you went out with her, all the men wanted her? I guarantee they wanted her because of her confidence. How did they know she was confident, you ask? Because it was oozing out of her. The way she stood up tall, her smile, her presence and the way she carried her self esteem on a platter.
“Respect yourself if you would have others respect you.” -- Baltasar Gracian
Another reason your not-so-good-looking friend will find a great guy before you do is because she will purposely not try looking for a mate every time she goes out. Love will come when you least expect it, but don’t give up hope. This is a time when you will not let one bad apple define all men because there are still great guys out there. You just have to sort through them to find “your one”!
The essence of true love will never disappear because we are human and as long as we feel, we will always have love, which by definition is just a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.
Shoot me your love problems in an email to Jessica@epmediagroup.com and you can now listen to me on the radio on 1650 AM KHRO on Friday mornings at 10 am, on The Lisa D. Show.
vato
June 13, 2008
Ten reasons why your ten signs may be of no use whatsoever, from a guy's p.o.v. :
1. The guy does not have a car.
2. Naturally quiet, shy and retiring doesn't make you a jerk.
3. Jerks will do anything you want, accommodate you in any way just to get into your pants.
4. Some of your friends may be hot and he wants to hit on them.
5. His friends may live in another city.
6. True, but really shouldn't happen after the first two weeks, two months, two years, in a lifetime really, although it may because all people have failings and bad episodes.
7. Same as No. 3.
8. Some women lend a sympathetic ear to his ex-gf problems. Dunno why but they do.
9. Even independent self-sufficient guys have families that don't want you to lift a finger when you are a guest.
10. A wealthy trust-funder might not have a job.
Let's see, a cross town drive to meet the parents, meet the friends, meet his friends, have a big fight, go to the opera, the family barbeque, examine his tax return. That's some two weeks, Really, I thought you were trying to put an end to the close-mindedness of this city. Expand your mind El Paso!
(p.s. I agree with you about the soul-mate thing.)
la loca
June 13, 2008
I agree with all of the above. I have seen so many women "settle" for fear of ending up alone. They overlook the obvious signs hoping that things will get better.
Then, before you know it, they're registering at Dillards and you're mustering up all your energy to buy them a blender you know will be part of the community property they will fight over in 3-5 years. Sigh...
My question is why is this town so overwhelmingly full of selfish jerks? When you look at the above, it seems pretty common sense. Parents should have raised their sons to be kind, considerate, loving, self-sufficient, and educated. Instead, all I find are party animals that cling on to the idea that the Woman's Liberation Movement was their ticket to getting easy sex and not have to open the door for a woman (and especially not pick her up). What is a well educated, economically independent woman to do in this town of Neanderthals that don’t have a “pot to p!$$ in”?
David K
June 13, 2008
Thoughts on the top ten
1. Girls shouldn't give up ground so quickly and become a hostage to a guy in his car. Meeting on equal ground with equal investment in the meeting allows for relationship roles to be developed naturally instead of by the "unsaid rules of etiquette" established by the male ruled society of the 50's. Plus - you won't have to fight his advances off in front of your house or end up somewhere you don't want to be.
2. Strategy number one to getting down a woman's pants is to convince her that she can trust you. Most women decide they will not sleep with a guy for "while" until she feels that he knows her. By asking her a lot of questions about her family, friends, high school, college, first pet, favorite teacher, best vacation etc.. You begin to make her believe subconsciously that you know her well enough. After all, you know her entire history! Letting her talk about herself for an hour is the best way to talk her into some bed wrestling.
3. Bad guys like me meet the parents right off. If you can get her parents to trust you and she can see that - you will cut down on the time you wait for sex by a lot. Remember, trust is the key to nakedness. Women trust men who know about a lot about them. Parents are key.
4. A girl's friends will always ruin her relationships. Her friends run the gamut of emotions and personalities. Crazy, jealous and insecure are just a few things her friends are. Stay away from them if you want your relationship to have chance. If the relationship grows and heads towar marriage you will be required to spend less time with your friends if not lose them completely. She shouldn't enjoy a privilege that you have been stripped of. When women grow up they realize that their friends ran more good guys off than they can count. My wife and barely survived some of her friend's opinions.
5. Don't let her around your friends. She'll immediatley create a jealousy of your relationship with them. Women want to be numero uno in your life and dragging her over to your best friend's barbeque will only push her towards the "you'll never love me more than your friends" attitude that will eventually be the reason you break a year later. Face it, if you want to have a succesful marraige one day you can't hang out with the boys three times a week... or month.
6. Nobody you know for less than two weeks should cuss at you, yell at your or tell you that your family is awful. This is like saying, "don't date a guy who robs and shoots you on the first date."
7. Require him to do a lot of things he doesn't wan to do and you won't last two weeks. Neither of you should be forced to do an event the other doesn't want to do in the first two weeks. You should find something you both want to do and enjoy that. The sacrifice part of the relationship starts months down the road and should be made to be equal. She makes him go to the Opera and in turn she goes to the monster truck show. Forcing someone to do something they want to do in order to prove something to you is an odd way of saying "I like you."
8. Girls never want to hear about other girls - they are inherently jealous of all the women in your life no matter who they are - Mom, ex, sister, the Virgin Mary. Follow this rule even though it leaves a huge gap in what she knows about you as a person. It's important people talk about their past so others can understand the human being standing in front of them.
9. Women want you to treat your family like movie characters do in movies. Try to do this. Some women have watched so much TV that they think it's real life. Family dynamics are hard to judge without all the information. Do not judge a guy because he does not get along with his brother who steals money from his parents and wrecks their cars. Obviously if the guy you like smacks his mom across the face for serving the chicken too dry, you have a problem. Again that's an obvious red flag.
10. A guy with a job is a good thing. If he's in college, give him a break. Guys should realize that today's women are more attracted to guys who have good jobs and lots of money. The more you have the uglier you can be. Pretending to be rich for a night is a great way to insure mutual nakedness. Drop $500 on the credit card and impress the pants off of her - literally. Lose her number the next day and go sell some stuff on Ebay to pay your debt off and start the process all over again.
vato
June 13, 2008
Hey la loca, think about this:
Herbert Marcuse made the distinction between liberation and liberalization. While the 60's liberated women and sex, the 90's hence has "liberalized" sex, creating a free trade market for sex that has ensnared all segments of society.
Whereas the truly liberated woman could take sex or leave it (the true meaning of liberation, to be able to do something at will or be free of it without repression) the liberalized society makes sex an absolute must in order to fit in. The 60's liberated woman was not bound to sex; could refuse to shave their legs, dress sexy, be skinny, etc. In a liberalized society if a woman isn't the idealized sex object sold in every commercial image she is ostracized, barred from the sexual free trade.
Men are the victims of this too, being able only to see women the way society has set them up. Its not just parents and men themselves that make them into jerks, its all of contemporary society that does it.
david
June 14, 2008
I listened to you on the LisaD radio show this past friday and you discussed the re-virginizing of a womans vagina in foriegn country's due to their culture of having to marry a virgin. Now that may not be the reason here in the United States but I do know of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons who preform a similar procedure to tighten up a womans vagina after it has how shall we say been around the block a few times or given child birth. As a matter of fact that is why many women are turning to c sections as an alternative mode of child birth. As a man I can't understand this vanity in women, sure sagging breast, age lines, turkey necks are all visible to the naked eye but when men get together we rarely if ever talk about the tightness of a womans vagina, more than likely we talk about the size of our penis, which is a whole different subject, which is something that I have learned women do discuss at length pardon the pun.
You got me to thinking about a subject I once discussed with some girls when we had been drinking, we were talking about losing their virginity and they asked me about it I told them I had never had a virgin I don't practice Love 101 I am a Phd. But then I asked them if having your first Orgasam qualified you as a psuedo virgin. I have been with several girls, well women who had never experienced an orgasam not even by themselves. When they have their first orgasam they find a whole new perspective on sex, kind of like so that is what the big deal is all about. So the verdict was split with one abstension. Is a woman still a virgin until she experiences her first orgasm? I vote yes. I would be intrested in your opion.
Lower valley Dave
David R
June 16, 2008
Would recommend and every woman read Dr Laura's book "10 Stupid Mistakes That Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" and all men should read "10 Mistakes That Men Do....."
It is interesting how anyone that has dated and lived outside of El Paso views relationships (dating) different from those who have never left El Paso. Not to say that anyone who has lived outside of EP is smarter or better, but usually they understand that there are truly a wide variety of interesting people out there with varied life experiences, education, cultures, and accomplishments.
My biggest pet peeve with some of my friends and relatives in El Paso is that they are always nagging and complaining that they have not found their ideal mate or they hate the flaws of their current boyfriend or girlfriend. However they either continue in the same relationship or they break up and end up with another mate that is the same or worse.
People will never find true love until they learn to love themselves first.
la loca
June 16, 2008
Dear Vato,
It is a brave new world where women’s sexualities have once again been pulled out of our sphere of control and put in the hands of the ever-responsible advertising companies trying to sell us more deodorant and beer. The hyper sexuality being peddled on TV creates unreasonable expectations that few of us can fulfill. We’re stuck in relationships that feel like “limp hand shakes” because we expect to feel excited, sexy, beautiful, masculine, handsome, and desired all the time because everyone, i.e. everyone on TV, feels that way.
Although I wasn’t born until the 70s, I wish I was around in the 60’s to experience a time when our pendulum was smack dab in the middle. . . between the women of the 50’s who feared being called whores if they had sex outside of marriage and women of the 00’s who dread not getting a phone call if they don’t do it on the first date. Maybe there will be backlash? Let’s start swinging the pendulum and hope we reach the middle again during my lifetime.
As for men being victims? I’m not too sure about that. Remember Mel Brooks in “History of the World Part II” when he said “It’s good to be the king.” It's kind of like that...
Lizy Frias
June 18, 2008
i love you and your way of thinking i am glad i have you in my life as friend, and someone to look up too love you hunnies and i am proud you are finaly voicing out your opinion which matters a whole lot to me and others!
vato
June 18, 2008
Orale la loca,
You make a good point. I’ve been in a few limp hand shake relationships myself. It’s like Woody Allen’s dead shark relationships: they die because they doesn’t move forward.
But I do think men are victims too because the victim always loses and the corporate media always wins. For every failed relationship with a woman a man loses the same thing whether he valued it or not, whether he knew it or not. Even if he was just out for sex and not a relationship he loses the chance to be in a relationship, the chance for that full expression of humanity. In the long run he loses that possibility of a life partner, loses the chance to raise his children if he has any, and dies alone.
You may say just desserts, but I think women also enable that behavior. Why do women date the jerks? Analogy: I had a lot of jobs, going from one to the next when it suited me, maybe a year at each one. People would say to me, “you won’t get hired because it’s all over your resume that you’re a job-hopper.” Thing is I kept getting hired, and when I thought about it I realized that the very fact that I had had so many jobs on my resume meant that people kept hiring me regardless, otherwise how would I have had so many jobs in the first place.
If all the guys out there keep being jerks, how is that happening unless women keep dating them? If being a jerk made you un-dateable (un-hirable) you would never get the next date. But you do because there’s always a willing woman, for whatever reason…an enabler. Maybe one needs to think twice and evaluate the resumes better. But women are just as bad as men in going for the false corporate media images of sex and love. They go for the “hot” men with “the whole package” just like men go for the “hot babe.” It’s all a commodities market.
Peace love and grace.
Nancy
June 24, 2008
Here is a video clip of the writer herself. Listening to her speak is even more entertaining than trying to figure her out by reading the column.
http://newspapertree.com/videos/37-jessica-valdez