June 12, 2008
Week 3 is here already and I am very excited about discussing PEFT, the essence of true love and soul mates. Of all the letters received, I chose one from Alice, who wrote in with concerns for her future in finding a good-hearted man.
Dear Jessica,
I just recently found out my brother is getting a divorce. Not only did this shock me (because I never knew they were having problems), but it gave me a reality check. I wonder if it's even worth trying to find "the one" anymore, or if "the one" even exists. My recent relationship problems are only fueling this idea. People just aren't as committed and well-intentioned as they used to be. I see my happily married parents of almost 40 years, then I see the apathetic jerks of my generation who could care less about being compassionate. All this has actually made me want to be alone; not socially deprived, just unattached. I'm learning that my happiness is not defined by my romantic status. Do you think the essence of true love is disappearing?
Alice
Hi Alice,
Although I am sorry to hear about your brother‘s situation, I do not want you to feel discouraged by it. Let me begin by saying that I do not believe in soul mates, “the one” or any idea of there only being one person on this entire planet for you, me and the rest of society. While it is nice to dream about finding the only person who will ever understand you, the reality is that there are probably 1 million out there who will, but you will only chose one of them. Growing up, my mother always told me that I was to choose, not be chosen and although it sounds a bit selfish, it has helped me not stick with guys who are jerks because jerks are not healthy for you or your future (if you plan to have children). Finding a good person to be with -- what we might call "the one" -- is something you must choose for yourself. It is a task, a challenge, a responsibility, something you owe to yourself, and is not impossible.
Fortunately for you, I have a talent called PEFT (Process of Elimination the First Two), and what it entails is becoming a palm reader for a couple of weeks, except you will not read palms. You will read signs that men give the first two weeks of hanging out with him. I am going to share the signs with you because they will be essential in finding yourself a healthy relationship.
1. This guy must be willing to pick you up at your place every time you go somewhere together, even if you live on the opposite end of the city. No ifs, ands or buts about it (unless it’s the first time you will hang out with him and you wish to have your car just encase you want to bail early).
2. This guy cannot talk the entire time you hang out. You have to be able to easily share your own insights and stories. He has to ask you questions about you, your family and your plans in life. If he stays quiet the entire time and never even seems interested in your life, chances are, he just wants to sleep with you for these two weeks. This is not a healthy start!
3. He cannot be afraid of meeting your parents. Yes, in the first two weeks you should be able to introduce him to your parents as your friend. Even if it is to go by their house to pick up a box, he cannot be completely against saying hi to them. Guys with bad intentions usually won't show their face to the parents of a girl they know is not in their future.
4. He cannot be opposed to meeting your friends either. If this guy really likes and respects you, he will want your friends’ approvals. Your friends live outside your bubble and will tell you if he is right for you (unless your friends are spineless, then get new friends).
5. This guy must invite you out with his friends so they can give him the “nod” of approval. If he sees you in his future, he will need their approval as well.
6. This guy should never cuss at you, call you names, criticize your family, tell you that you are stupid, yell at you, or disrespect you in any way. Especially the first two weeks (I know it seems unbelievable, but there are jerks out there who will do this in the first two weeks).
7. He has to want to do things you want to do. If you like the opera, he has to be willing to go see one with you, even if it kills him to go. Simple as that.
8. What is the topic of his conversation? Sports, girls in videos, his friends, his family, his hobbies, his ex girlfriend? These are things he will continue to discuss as the relationship moves forward. I doubt you need to hear all about his ex and other girls for the next year.
9. If you happen to hang out with him and his family in these two weeks, pay close attention to the type of son, uncle, cousin he is. Does he help his mom in the kitchen, his dad with the grill, his cousin with shoelaces, buttons his nephew’s shirt, etc.? If he just sits around waiting to be served, this will be your future. If he treats his family like dirt, time to move on.
10. Does he have a job? Even if he is the manager at a fast food joint, he shows promise and ambition as the manager. If he does nothing all day and lives off his parent’s money, you need to move on immediately.
Like I always tell my friends when they realize their boyfriend is a jerk … NEXT!
Alice, when you say, “I'm learning that my happiness is not defined by my romantic status.” I say, “Happiness should never be defined by one’s romantic status!”
In order to find happiness, you must first know who you are and who you would like to become. Have you ever met a girl who was not that good-looking, but when you went out with her, all the men wanted her? I guarantee they wanted her because of her confidence. How did they know she was confident, you ask? Because it was oozing out of her. The way she stood up tall, her smile, her presence and the way she carried her self esteem on a platter.
“Respect yourself if you would have others respect you.” -- Baltasar Gracian
Another reason your not-so-good-looking friend will find a great guy before you do is because she will purposely not try looking for a mate every time she goes out. Love will come when you least expect it, but don’t give up hope. This is a time when you will not let one bad apple define all men because there are still great guys out there. You just have to sort through them to find “your one”!
The essence of true love will never disappear because we are human and as long as we feel, we will always have love, which by definition is just a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.
Shoot me your love problems in an email to Jessica@epmediagroup.com and you can now listen to me on the radio on 1650 AM KHRO on Friday mornings at 10 am, on The Lisa D. Show.