Unreal News, Or, an Attempt at Political Satire
Posted on March 28, 2008
Presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama is still black and still ahead in the race for the Democratic nomination. Senator Obama's embattled spiritual leader, Reverend Wright, is still in the news this week. Wright announced plans to join up with David Duke on a Southern speaking tour he's calling "fire and ice." Reverend Wright promised that the events will "offer a little something for everyone."
Senator Hillary Clinton abandoned the tried and true "I don't recall" routine practiced by most politicians this week and didn't fare well. Clinton recalled that she came under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia in the 1990's. Clinton must have suffered from the same mental block Yankee's pitcher Roger Clemens did during his Congressional testimony and "misremembered" the incident. Turns out that Clinton was actually in Juarez and it was this past February that she came under fire.
John McCain tried to make headway this week against claims the he is too old to be President. In what can only be summed up as a "senior moment," McCain incorrectly stated that the Romans were training and arming the Persians to fight the Germanic tribes from the north. McCain couldn't be reached for comment, he was taking a nap.
McCain was also honored by the Smithsonian this week when they unveiled their newest exhibit which features the horse and buggy that McCain rode to school on as a child.
Big Oil had a big week. Heads of the major oil companies watched with glee as drivers in Virginia wouldn't stop driving even after rednecks decided to take potshots at their cars with high powered rifles.
Oil execs could not be reached for comment because they were in closed door meetings trying to figure out how to convert all those three digit gas price signs into four digit signs.
City Representative Rachel Quintana was in court again this week to talk about her forgery charge. Quintana's lawyer asked for a change of venue. Last time I checked the nearest big city to El Paso, but still in Texas, was Lubbock. Apparently Quintana's lawyer does not know that air travel is what started this whole mess in the first place.
City Council was not able to come to an agreement on where to put a proposed soccer complex. Children around the city watched and waited, but were eventually disappointed by Council's decision to revisit the issue at a later time.
In other news - Ryan Gomez will be hosting a kick the can tournament in the alley behind his house. Ryan's only rule is "no girls allowed."
The Office of the Inspector General (OIG) was in town this week to start its investigation of the happenings over at the Housing Authority of El Paso. The OIG inspectors in town were asked what their initial recommendations for the Housing Authority were and they indicated that a name change was very important to the future success of the publicly funded authority. OIG officials thought that the name should better fit what the entity is, so they suggested "the Department of Political Cronyism."
OIG inspectors also asked the Mayor for a list of people he might consider putting on the Housing Authority board in the future. The persons on that list were immediately banned from all Housing Authority property.
UTEP students were hit with yet another increase in their tuition this week. Some students may pay as much as $300 more per semester starting next year. Javier Santos, a Political Science major, was asked how he might come up with the extra cash to attend UTEP next year. Javier indicated that he was going to start towing cars for Sunset Heights residents in order to afford school next year.
In other UTEP news. A parking spot on campus is the only thing in El Paso Paul Foster can't afford.
Juarez saw the arrival of more than one thousand troops, police and prosecutors to their city this week. The Mexican federal government was worried that the cartels were running out of targets.
Mexican officials from the city of Juarez came out with their annual jobs report this week. The report projected healthy growth in the mortician and grave digger sectors and a steep decline in people signing up to be cops. Door man at the Kentucky Club is still listed as one of the most desirable jobs in the Juarez area.
Local talk radio was inundated with appearances from candidates who will still be on the ballot next week for the runoff elections. Many El Pasoans were late for work this week when the various judicial candidates appeared on the radio shows and put them right back to sleep. I guess that goes to show that while doctors and lawyers make for fascinating TV shows, they are actually very boring in real life.
The sheriff's race heated up this week with neither candidate appearing anywhere. The El Paso Police Department put out an APB for both Wiles and Leon. They were both described as "looking exactly like one of your old bosses."
One major issue that has developed in the Sheriff's race is the subject of being bilingual. Border rights activists said that undocumented immigrants are more comfortable having their rights infringed upon in conversational Spanish than they are when some guero reads from a card.
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